I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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