I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
