so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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