wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
