So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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