Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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