What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
