How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
