I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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