You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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