It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
