I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
