I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
