i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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