Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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