I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
