I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
