my soul wont recognize me after tonight
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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