If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
