Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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