She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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