I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
