having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
