He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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