I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
