tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
