Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Acid is not a monday night drug
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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