in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
