That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
