saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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