end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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