If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
