When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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