Pants 0. Shit 1.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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