I faked an abortion last night.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize