im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize