We won't sleep together?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
