I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
