I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
