Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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