I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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