I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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