I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
