I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
