I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
