wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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