and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
