Christians are straight up FREAKS
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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