i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just had sex bonerless
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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