official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize