You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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