It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
People in love make me want to vomit
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
