Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
