Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
