She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
