Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
